Don't Forget About Tank
Written and experienced by: Miranda (2007)
After a pretty decent party streak with the guys, I decided to stay in with a girl friend for the night. We got ourselves all comfy in bed with a movie, and as always smoked the finest grass 16 year olds could find. It was to be a relaxing night. I was wearing my comfiest gym pants, an old faded band t-shirt, no hair nor makeup done. Just a quiet night.
Not even 15 minutes into our movie, (Hostage, starring Bruce Willis) the hootin’ and hollerin’ of my two best guy friends is coming from the mud room downstairs. Upon answering the door it was apparent that they've already been pre-gaming. Most likely at the beach. Cat fishin’ with a case of Coors light. That was the typical agenda of all us teenagers living in that river front town. The first thing out of their mouths was, “Miranda! Get the fuck up we're going to a party!” Hesitant, though leaning towards the ‘nope' side of things, I explained I was staying in for the night. That was not an acceptable answer for the guys. I was made to be one of the bros, and they needed their bro. I just wasn't feeling it at all. I told them sorry and to basically fuck off, and that I’d go out tomorrow.
It took approximately 10 seconds for Kyle and Dustin to decide they were going to kidnap me and force me to go partying with them. And that’s what they did. They both man handled me into the car and by man handle I mean, all Dustin had to do was throw me over his shoulder while Kyle started the car. Then sped away with me into the neighboring city. I didn't even have shoes on! I had no choice but to accept my fate. I realized they weren't messing around when we actually got into the city. So I happily indulged in being kidnapped by my two best buds. We were going to a house party. It was Kyles new co worker at Culvers that had the hook-up on psychedelics. So naturally, Kyle befriended him pretty quickly.
Upon arrival, barefooted, I walk into what was essentially a ran down quad-plex rented out to college students at a cheap price. The party was in the attic, where we were guided by Kyles mysterious new co- worker. It was full of maybe 10-15 people, not including us 3. And it was a total sausage fest. I would've been uncomfortable if it wasn't for Kyle and Dustin being there with me. At no point during this venture did I feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Those guys are like the brothers I never had and they would never let anything happen to me. Dustin by himself is intimidating to any average male. This man punched a guy so hard in the face he needed reconstructive surgery, like everywhere. So naturally I felt good enough to indulge in as much alcohol and weed as possible. And judging by the acid heads in the room, I wasn't even remotely concerned about how I turned up. Barefooted.
I drank copious amounts of kegged beer because lets face it, these guys were in college and quite obviously going to be better at beer pong than me. This was their everyday life. And I'd assume it was an easy life to live with 10 people in 1 house taking out the maximum student loans and selling nearly every party drug or psychedelic you can think of. It was fun all in all and the people were really nice and chill. And Kyle got his acid hook-up. The important thing.
We left drunk as hell. Kyle got some chicks at a stop light to flash him and we made our way to the closest McDonalds where Kyle decided to assume the 3rd shift window worker was going to be some sort of hot babe by the sound of her voice. He was saying things like, ‘You sound sexy! Why don't ya come with us and blow your shift!’ To his surprise she indulged in the blind flirting back! And said she would! Kyle being a show off burned out to the window, where there stands the not so sexy looking, frumpy, over weight, and generally unattractive night shifter lady at McDonalds. Dustin and I are laughing and Kyle quietly handed his money to her as she's licking her lips at him. We got our food. Kyle ‘woofed' at her and we sped away back home.
But the night doesn't end there. Kyle was feeling some sort of way and decided to take the scenic route through one of the nicest housing additions north of our home town. Very rural and secluded. His plan was to whip donuts through as many beautifully manicured yards as he could. While blaring Wisconsin Death Trip by Static-X, Kyle was screaming obscenities out the window. Yelling at invisible people. And cackling like villain.
In the midst of Kyles destruction we're speeding down a dark winding road. It quickly turned into a, you can only go right or left situation, and we crashed head on into a Dead End sign and took it with us into a ditch. I flung into the front with the guys, and did I mention there was a dog with us this whole time? Luckily I was Tank’s air bag. We were all surprisingly okay. Even laughing about it, but frantic to get the fuck out of there before the police showed up. Dustin in all his drunk, somehow super-human strength pushed the car out of the ditch before we even reached 100% panic mode. This reign of terror went completely unnoticed.
It was only a 2 minute drive down the highway before we reached home. The car was knocking the whole time. It was loud as hell too. It probably woke up half the neighborhood. The time was roughly 3:00 am as soon as we pulled in the driveway, where the car stalled out and died.
We smoked a bowl and slept like sweet innocent babes.